


Magic 2.0  CHARACTER CHEAT SHEET

by GlassesAndGiggles



Category: Magic 2.0 Series - Scott Meyer
Genre: Comedy, Drabble, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-02
Updated: 2017-11-02
Packaged: 2019-01-28 12:31:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,539
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12606680
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GlassesAndGiggles/pseuds/GlassesAndGiggles
Summary: An unreliable reference full of swearing and childish name calling  to keep track of whose who in the Magic 2.0 Universe. UPDATED for Book 5: Out of Spite, Out of Mind.





	Magic 2.0  CHARACTER CHEAT SHEET

Summary:  
An unreliable reference full of swearing and childish name calling to keep track of who's who in the Magic 2.0 Universe. Updated for Book 5, Out of Spite Out Of Mind

Notes:  
(See the end of the work for notes.)

Work Text:  
WIZARD 2.0 CHARACTER CHEAT SHEET  
An unreliable, shitty reference to keep track of whose who's in the Magic 2.0 Universe.

 

Martin Banks  
-The Token Mexican-American One  
-N00b  
-Wizard name should be Betamax, gets dominated by everyone else in the series  
\- Had to beg Gwen for years before they had sex, would have been better off single  
-Named after Marty McFly from Back to The Future  
-Wannabe slytherin but has no ambition he's a hufflepoofs  
\- Married Gwen despite the fact she spends 85% of the books not talking to him angrily

 

Phillip  
-O.G.  
-Probably a stoner but like in a lovable late 1970s way  
-Wants to Hatefuck Jimmy, but can't admit it in a lovable late 1970s way  
-Always loses group arguments despite being right because he's a sarcastic douchebag  
\- Kind of invented magic with Jimmy and Gwen  
\- Describes sex life with girlfriend Brit the Younger as "very progressive." ;)  
\- Verified Feminist  
\- Only one who has any right to be there because is actually British  
\- Somehow most mature one in entire group it's actually very damning of everyone else  
\- Deposes a megalomaniac in book 1, starts dating a megalomaniac in book 2, is blackmailed by both megalomaniacs working together in book 5.   
-Can probably only put up with one more book of this shit before he snaps

 

Gwen  
-The Token Girl One  
\- Prefers to spend evenings with Video Game Bois  
\- Has an anti-rape personal force field macro  
-Emotionally manipulative but she's hot so it's okay  
\- Sews when Angry  
\- Sews when Happy  
\- Sews

 

 

James Sadler AKA Jimmy AKA Merlin  
\- Narcissistic Psychopath  
\- Not as swol as he wants to be  
\- Goal in Book 1: Gain control of Wizard society  
\- Goal in Book 5: Gain control of Wizard society  
\- Steals everyone's ideas and makes them better   
\- Killed like 100 people as an oopsie  
\- Also killed Todd but he was asked nicely to do so first  
\- Doesn't feel actual feelings but is good at acting  
\- Will torture you but you'll love him anyway.

 

Todd Douglas  
-The Token Dead One  
\- Sociopath  
\- Also smol  
\- Easily confused by just about everything (Words, People, Animals, Loud Noises.)  
\- Your Friend That Laughs at Horror Movies  
\- Shitty DM but he is trying his best to impress you  
\- Killed like 1 person but it was very on purpose  
\- Attempted to kill a few more but to his credit they were all assholes except for Jeff  
\- Nintendork  
\- Only Wizard to succeed in hitting Jimmy in nads, despite many attempts by others  
\- Not even his parents like him, probably beginning of that sociopath thing  
\- Like Gwen in that he prefers people of the opposite sex as video game characters

 

Tyler  
\- The Token Black One  
\- Lets the Author Tell Writer Jokes becoz is a writer  
\- Sassiest Wizard After Phillip  
\- Thinks He's Smarter than Gary but he's really not  
\- Gets Bested by Little Girls  
\- Has a thing about public or past restrooms  
\- Agitates people with severe personality disorders and weapons, slow learner

 

Gary  
\- Plays with dolls when he's on the toilet  
\- Group buttmonkey, everyone treats him like shit  
\- Really into KISS even though KISS was a joke by the time he was old enough to listen to music  
\- Tried to get with Marilyn Monroe  
\- Tried to get with a zombie  
\- Literally just no consistent standards will try to hump anything like a bad puppers  
\- Talks about women in italics  
\- Pulls all of the pranks  
\- Cannot not laugh when someone farts, fatal weakness  
\- Call him The Necromancer, or don't, he's pretty chill about it  
\- Negligent Wizard Master, didn't notice Todd torturing locals during Todd's apprenticeship  
\- Extremely negligent Wizard master, takes in an entire harem of village men as 'apprentices' to exploit them for manual labor.   
\- Lost a leg because Tyler decided to mock the DM, but got a cooler robot leg so it's okay

 

 

Jeff  
\- The Least Thereist One  
\- Todd kills him first except not because Todd's life is sadness and failure  
\- But like would we even notice if Todd had succeeded?  
\- Was accused of sheep fucking by locals  
\- Not an actual sheep fucker because that would make him memorable and violate the primary rule of Jeff's characterization as totally forgettable  
\- Might just a misspelling of Gary, cannot confirm is an actual independent character

 

Roy  
\- Cranky old guy  
\- Can wear a fedora and trench coat without being a douchebag, does so  
\- Doesn't Wizard LARP at all  
\- Planned to come back and engineer his way to greatness without any magic or computers  
\- Adorkable Old-School Chauvinist  
\- Is always with Jeff, coming and going at all times of the day and night. They are the healthiest couple in the entire series.

 

Eddie AKA "Wing Po"  
\- The Asian One  
\- Joisey  
\- Vice Chairman of the Wizards  
\- Controls access to Magic  
\- Wizard Liaison to the royal family  
\- Wizard LARPed with Jimmy regularly  
\- History's First Receptionist  
\- I think scott meyer forgot he existed

 

Brit the Younger  
\- Introduced Phillip to Giant Squids  
\- Builds a city from scratch because history is too misogynistic to exist happily in  
\- Fills her city with fuckable man servants, doesn't let them vote  
\- Built her own shell, just like Phillip & Jimmy, except hers is betterer  
\- Almost crushed to death in a cube  
\- An Architect  
\- Has cute glasse  
-Likes 1990s cartoons  
\- Into older guys  
\- Would probably be okay except for...

 

Brit the Elder  
\- you know that joke in Disney's Hercules where Hades is meeting with the Three Fates who can see the Past, Present, and Future?  
\- and he's trying to tell them about his day and they keep interrupting him to say " we know, we know, we know?"  
\- and how super annoying that is and how it pisses hades off after like ten seconds? which was perfect because ten seconds is about as long as that joke is funny before it starts to get old?  
\- Yeah get ready for three novels of that goddamn joke  
\- Also spoils every novel's ending so kind of just a dramatic tension sucking vampire

 

Brit the Much Elder 

\- Somehow worse than the other Brits combined   
\- Totally a supervillain slowly accruing total control of all magic for herself and her lackies but for some reason all the wizards haven't noticed yet and still take orders from her? Is it the tits?  
\- Destroyed Phillip for literally no fucking reason  
\- Just the worst  
\- Can we please have a female character that's not abusive trash in this series at some point????

 

Agents Miller and Murphy  
\- Works for Treasury Department tracking Embezzlement and Counterfeiting  
\- Youth Pastor Cop and Rageaholic Unbalanced Cop, no matter how you treat them  
\- Super devoted to jobs and each other  
\- Actually kind of inspiring from how hard they work  
\- If Government Agents were actually this dedicated the world would be amazing  
\- Let's all be like these selfless patriots  
\- All the best skits involve them despite not having wizard powers  
\- Rode a boxcar full of dog toys across the united states, almost died all the time  
\- Smarter than the rest of the cast combined, but have terrible luck  
\- Will never eat bananas again  
\- Brit the Much Elder and Jimmy conspire to ruin their lives

 

 

Everyone Else  
\- Magnuses: Two Gay Wizards for Norway who picked the same Wizard name and live together  
\- David: Very Straight Wizard From Russia, only one who is not Celibate  
\- French Wizards: Tail chasers in fancy robes  
\- King "Arthur" Eustace: Jimmy killed his dad and promoted him to King early. This seems really evil but is probably the only thing that saved Eustace's life, as his Aunt M. was supposed to depose Eustace's family line with the Pope's support. Eustace was never supposed to be King, and gets exactly one line of dialogue in the book.  
\- Villains from Second Book - Brit the elder nerfed their plot line and the author decided to stuff Atlantis full of male support characters instead of women or giving the villains any page time so I honestly can't remember their names or anything about them????? I think one was an idiot and one was horny, like Yzma and Krunk from Emperor's New Groove, except without an age gap???? The President was unanimously elected which I call bullshit on because my D&D group can't even vote unanimously on whether to get Coke or Pepsi.  
\- Honor: Little shepherd Girl who spends all her time unsupervised with a gang of armed male bandits teaching them to bake and somehow it turns out okay? Punches Phillip in balls so naturally he gives her infinite money.  
\- Kludge: Todd's former puppet. He is forever a town bully and literally just starts chucking rocks at Martin in first book because being tortured by Todd taught him nothing. Trains a dragon army to kill all of the wizards; for some reason this makes the wizards build him a house for free and give his gang awesome motorcycles because the wizards are all simpering betas.  
\- The Magician Dandies - Have a grudge against Martin but not his kids.

 

And that's Magic 2.0, feel free to keep this sheet handy as a reference. Or don't, as this is also just total biased nonsense.

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote all of this Magic 2.0 stuff over the summer, just getting it on here now that my passion is waning before I forget about it. Can you guess who my favorite character is? :)


End file.
